TURTLES WHERE TURTLES SHOULD NOT BE
by FuturisticVampire
Summary: This story is the result of me and a friend deciding to make a AnE parody, and, well, Rin is unconscious, Mephisto likes turtles, Shiemi can crawl into tight spaces, and Yukio is just Yukio honestly. Crackfic
1. i hope this is the only chapter

**Title: TURTLES WHERE TURTLES SHOULD NOT BE  
Summary: This story is the result of myself and a friend d****eciding to make a AnE parody, and uh well, it's rated M. Rin is unconscious, Mephisto likes turtles, Shiemi can crawl into tight spaces, and Yukio is just Yukio honestly.**

**Full Summary: The way we wrote this was I wrote a word, she wrote the next word, and I wrote the next and so on. So definitely zero comprehension whatsoever lmao anyways here it is~**

* * *

Mephisto used an aggravated turtle to wash Rin's diaper. Yukio did nothing to help; he instead watched on the table. Secretly, Yukio liked watching. He wasn't a homosexual, but Mephisto's body wash was a very green-smelling phenomenon. Rin, unconscious, did not know that there was a turtle in his anus! What was Rin to do? Should Yukio remove Mephisto's turtle, or be consumed by its perverted tongue?

He laughed as it ate Mephisto's pudding.

"Why are you doing that?" Yukio asked. Mephisto also wanted to know.

"Why are you eating my DICK?" Yukio tilted his head because it hurt his brain when Mephisto spoke.

"I don't know," the turtle said. Mephisto killed the turtle because it ate his chocolate back bologna.

Rin woke up screaming because his anus was expanded. He wasn't used to his turtle up his butt and dead. He looked at Yukio. Mephisto was hiding under the ceiling. He also craved Rin's toenail fungus. Instead of doing Rin, he did Yukio.

"I really don't like homosexuals," Yukio told him. "But you are not masculine." Mephisto was absolutely gay for men.

Then Shiemi bursted out of Rin's rectum. Rin liked it when everyone saw his fetish. He had a lot of fetishes. Like diapers filled with turtles. Unfortunately, Mephisto had slain his favorite diaper turtle, Bob. Rin cried and wet the bed. Suddenly, boobs grew from Yukio's chest. Rin squealed. They were huge~!

Mephisto was offended. He didn't like boobs. He zipped his hat and did several men in front of Yukio to make him jealous.

"I have seventeen butts on my dick," Mephisto taunted. "I don't want any of your rectum boobs."

Mephisto watched dramatically as Yukio cried. He had the homo now, and he was hungry for Mephisto's back bologna. He now dived towards Mephisto's bowtie. Mephisto gasped.

"Bitch, I'm not your booty anymore," Mephisto sassily declared.

"BREASTS!" Rin screamed, diving out to Yukio. Unbeknownst to them, the boobs were fake. Rin hugged Yukio and Mephisto's breasts.

_Plop_.

"I was under hypnosis." Mephisto looked down, blushing. "My breasts are made of turtles."

* * *

**some background-**

**Back Bologna - I was in econ class with this person, and i said a history hw question about Babylonian captivity of the pope and she thought i said "back bologna of the throat" and thats just been _T__he Joke_ for a few weeks now**

**Anyways, I'll see ya~**


	2. oh i fucking wished didnt i

**Oh yeah baby, it's Chapter Two. This one was done with the same basic idea as the first, but a third friend joined and by the end of it everyone was just doing whatever the hell we wanted to. Best use of my time to date.**

* * *

Chapter 2:: The Pope, the Bulge, and the Turtles

Mephisto wished he had more masculinity. One evening, he decided to steal a body pillow of David Fucking Bowie's manly bulge. When it arrived, he squealed with horniness. All of his femininity was delighted. Never before had he been so overcome with the unmatched happiness inspired by the Bowie Bulge.

Yukio secretly was very secretive. Part of him wanted to fuck the Bowie Bulge, so he decided that he would promptly thief the Bowie **BULGE**. That very evening, Yukio broke into Mephisto's quarters through his floorboards. Dressed as a prostitute, quickly he began to shit his panties. The smell was horridly pleasant. Just like Mephisto's diaper turtles. Without any hesitation, he ripped off Mephisto's clean underwear and wore them. Unfortunately, Mephisto wasn't known for having mens' undergarments.

The underwear screamed as Yukio forced his large asscheeks into her. He also screamed, as he was not accustomed to screaming panties. He decided to remove his clothes completely. Now, he was ready to steal the Bowie **BULGE**!

He wasted his time gazing at Mephisto collection of giant, balloon-shaped breast implants. It really was arousing. Yukio looked on. Where was Mephisto's bedroom? He decided it was not on the first window. Perhaps it would be best to look with the flashing light he'd brought.

So he pulled it out of his rectum. Then, the front of the flashing light began to flicker.

"Take this damned useless jockstrap instead!" it insisted.

"No!" Yukio ejaculated. "I can't live without David Fucking Bowie's huge, masculine **BULGE**!"

It was fortunate when the door opened. This must be Mephisto's sex doll harem's showroom.

"What the holy fucking rhinoceros is this?" he whispered. Part of him was immensely curious; why did Mephisto even need seventeen dolls when he could have Yukio? Just as he fell forward onto a cat, he realized his life was meaningless. At that moment, the door magically vanished, leaving him shaking in arousal. Never one to question the quantum mechanics of magic, he really wasn't big into the idea of cats wearing diapers filled with cake.

"Mephisto would kill Rin for wearing diapers that belonged to cats," Yukio muttered.

He dropped his keys from his foreskin pocket because he wanted nothing to unlock. Little did he know, the keys would unlock Mephisto's bedroom. As he began to weep, a diaper walked into his groin.

"AHHHHHHHH!" He tripped over the doorknob and sprinted into what he supposed was the bathroom. Out came a handsome ghoul.

"Hello." The ghoul shook Yukio's eyeball. Promptly, Yukio kissed the cat. Offended, the ghoul shat on Yukio's imaginary moustache. Suddenly, the shampoo appeared on the pudding. Yukio slipped and fell on his ass. The noise scared Mister Cheeto Puffs out of the ghoul's ear hair.

The ghoul screamed, "First time?!"

"Welp, there's not any way I've ever went into a ghost's panty drawer before." Yukio twerked before running wildly towards the last open door. Finally, he was in the bedroom. Right then was when he saw the **BULGE**.

It was glorious, shining in the moonlight like a balloon.

Now, he reached to stroke David FUCKING Bowie's **BULGE. **Out of his mind with lust, Yukio grabbed the **BULGE**. He ran like hell out the window. He made it to his bedroom, but the door busted into his unclothed dick. The **BULGE** suddenly spoke.

"Something's gone wrong," it whispered. "I was just waiting for some tea."

Yukio screamed. He was horrified!

But then, he became aroused beyond human imagination. _The __**BULGE**_ _talks!_ he thought ecstatically... But why would the **BULGE **want tea? Maybe it was Mephisto in disguise.

His question was answered when Mephisto burst through the ceiling wearing nothing but a potato-themed pantyhose and a cheetah-print loincloth.

"YUKIO! You kidnapped the Babylonian pope!" Mephisto yelled dramatically.

"What? I kidnapped the Back Bologna of the Throat?"

"No, I said that you fucking kidnapped the pope!"

Yukio answered in a dreamy voice, "My mother tripped on a rope?" He was, unfortunately, high from the diapered cats.

Rin burst through the door, his diaper full of turtles "You jam turtles down your throat?"

"I am not a body pillow, but I have several," clarified the Pope. "One being of this so-called Bowie **BULGE**."

All of a sudden, he pulled one out a limited edition signed Bowie Bulge body pillow from his rectum. Shiemi also flew out of it.

Everyone in the room was fixated on the glowing power behind Bowie's massive **BULGE**. The more people that appeared in the room, the more that the glistening glow from the **BULGE **grew. It was pulsating, until suddenly someone broke the silence.

"Oh no, now you've done it." Mephisto shuddered. "You've unlocked the ultimate power of the **BULGE**. Now all of humanity will be assimilated."

And as the bulge continued to grow and grow in size, Rin began to notice a familiar form appearing under its fabric. It looked mighty like an anus turtle named Bob, who he had lost a month prior.

Bob crawled out of the fabric. "Are those burns beaning?" he asked in a turtle language only Rin and Mephisto understood. The others only understood the language of turtles native to Romania.

"Oh, perhaps it was just Bob. The humans can live a little longer…." Mephisto sounded disappointed. He wanted all of the body pillows to himself. That, and the **BULGE **he had worked so hard to acquire was ruined by Rin's missing diaper cleaning rectum turtle, Bob, who he was sure had been killed prior to this. How strange.

Suddenly the Pope began to swell. Everyone looked horrified as suddenly the Pope exploded into bits of Back Bologna and hundreds of baby rectum turtles. In shock and horror, Mephisto's turtle boobs fell to the floor.

"It seems I can't hide the truth any longer," Mephisto mused, stroking his chest with his beard. "You all were under hypnosis. The Pope is made from turtles taken directly from my turtle rectum boob collection."

* * *

**When we planned the plot out for this one: Mephisto wants a body pillow of David Bowie's bulge. Yukio gets jealous of it and steals it, but unbeknownst to him, it was actually the Pope. He was lying in bed waiting for Mephisto to bring him tea because he was sick.**

**"Are those burns beaning?"  
You'd have to have a very certain kind of life to fully understand that joke.**

**David Bowie's bulge-  
The basis of 90% of our jokes these days, for better or for worse.**

**Similarly, for better or for worse, no one's been reading this story at all. I think I'll think of this as both a hidden gem and a very shameful moment of my life.**

**~The FuturisticVampire**


	3. the things they dont say about syria

**Same as before, but done mostly by phrases, not words, and only me and the original person.**

* * *

Chapter 3:: And His Turtle Boobs Smelled like Ash and Rectum Powder

_This is fuckinh horny_, Yukio thought, depressed. He cried to death folk celtic metal as his car ran into Amaimon. The lollipop plopped from the nipple of Amaimon. This road was too full of hairy nipples. Yukio couldn't stand on a brick nipple. He fell out of his rectum-designed vehicle.

Amaimon promptly shrieked right as Yukio stepped over his outstretched beans.

"Those are NOT your beautiful burning lemons!" Amaimon cried.

Secretly, Yukio could've taken an astute position without lemons. However, without a bulge, he was too depressed.

"Can I have a bean?"

The car suddenly exploded into chunks of ladies and bulges.

"You are a pedophile?" This confused Yukio. Yes, he liked feminine men, but not older men.

"No, I'm a cougar," he replied. He was suddenly aroused. Amaimon was rather feminine. He wasn't too Thicc, like Mephisto, but he missed the bulge. He also missed Mephisto, but after being excommunicated, he could never see him or Bob the turtle again. And God knew where Shiemi was.

Suddenly, Shiemi peeped out of Amaimion's rectum. Yukio cringed. "Why?"

"How did I get here?" Shiemi whispered.

"YOU ARE MY WAIFU!" Amaimon seemed pleased.

Emphasis on _please_.

Yukio ran away because he was embarrassed for the rest of his natural born life-shattering pants shitting life. Scared, he sprinted for the woods. Unfortunately, he was in a desert. He would rather be watching Rin feed his turtles. Much to Yukio's chagrin, Rin liked to feed the turtles from the contents of the diaper he always wore. Again, Yukio cursed himself for never potty training Rin. Maybe Shiro would punish him with images of Mephisto's naked body, if he were alive. Shiro had lots of those pictures. He also kept a collection of Mephisto's green-smelling body wash. Yukio shuddered at the memory. He would rather have Shiemi burst from his rectal cavity than eat from Rin's diaper.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhHH!" he exclaimed as Kirigakure's boobs appeared from the ground.

"Whose massive bazongas are these?" He reached forward to check the label. Just then, he was tackled by a mortified Rin.

"Bob doesn't like the desert. He likes moist, dark places. Unfortunately, there are none of those around us…"

Yukio squatted. He'd forgotten his workout routine that morning because the Pope was revealed to be a pile of turtles, and he was embarrassed he had been hypnotized.

Suddenly, Rin had an idea. "What if i put my turtle in your womens' bra?"

"I'm not wearing one today." However, there was a perfectly good bra on the pair of Chesticles still buried in the sand. Rin reached for them.

"No, those are haunted!" Yukio called out.

It was too late. The breasts were awoken.

"YEAH, TOAST!" The woman yelled, beating a toaster with her titties.

"Bob doesn't like toasters!" Rin stuffed his turtle in his mouth.

"FRENCH TOAST!"

Yukio hated these people. He ran away without getting water from the spring, forgetting he was thirsty. His buttcheeks clapped wildly in protest.

"Sandra, Beatrice, be quiet!" Yukio named his buttcheeks affectionately. Was it weird? Maybe. But Mephisto wore womens' panties, so he could have lady buttcheeks.

He would have sobbed again, but his body was out of water. So, he squatted vigorously in sorrow.

Suddenly, Beatrice was shot.

"MY RIGHT CHEEK!" Yukio fell to his knees in desperation. "WE NEED A MEDIC!"

"THE BURNS ARE BEANING!" Sandra screamed. "CHECK MY BURNS, BEATRICE!"

Beans began to flow from Yukio's eyes and fingernails as he cried. Something moved in the shadows, which were nonexistent because it was now noon in Syria. Suguro was right when he called the rabbit a thug. It laughed maniacally as it ran away from the scene of crime, gun smoking. He wished Mephisto was there to assist in his chronically bleeding butt trouble. Yukio theorized that a homosexual man knew more about butts than he did.

Secretly, Yukio's left ass cheek was very secretive. It gained special powers from Mephisto's screaming demon panties. It knew a magic chant that could heal his right butt cheek in the scenario that an evil rabbit did indeed shoot him in the ass. All Yukio had to do was admit that the found soccer balls arousing, and that Mephisto had the best Sex Doll Harem in both Assiah and Gehenna.

Suddenly, a professional stick yeeter bursted from the sky screaming. Yukio was so immensely turned on by the Stick Yeeter's skill that he forgot about the beans spewing from his eyes and fingernails.

"I really want a waffle right now." The stick yeeter was hungry. Mephisto had not allowed him any food until he completed his mission.. Unfortunately, his mission had been spanking Mephisto's stick, and he was a stick yeeter, not a stick eater. So, he had switched factions. He blindly wandered the Syrian desert because the promises of the Six Great Yugioh Cards were only pants. Now, he searched instead for the perfect stick to yeet into Mephisto's hole. He was tired of watching Mephisto play golf. Mephisto was very tiringly tiring to watch when he played golf. He wasn't very good at all.

_(Flashback to Mephisto playing golf)_

Mephisto drew back his club before smashing it into the stick yeeter's strawberry back bologna. His naked camels cheered with shower scrubbies instead of pom poms. Eating ramen with his ear holes, Mephisto's ghoul shat on the stick yeeter with his loose eyeball. Mephisto, offput by the haunted breasts that floated above the hole lapping up his pudding that Yukio had not eaten, did leg stretches.

"_**PROTEIN**_!" he shouted at the shouting stick yeeter.

His sticks were also shouting- in glee. The stick yeeter decided to yeet them onto Mephisto's yoga mat.

Mephisto, struck by sticks, started to bleed.

"I didn't think I would get my period today."

_(End of flashback)_

Yukio, still bleeding intensely from his right buttock, forgot his name. He began to dump his pants into acid.

"Great Knight, why do you curse me?" he asked through bean tears. His tears dried as a tall, pale figure appeared out of nowhere. "Enderman is that you?"

"THIS ISN'T MINECRAFT!" the figure wailed, his pale, faceless face twisted in distasteful distaste.

"Bro, wat da mowdafouck is minneycraft, dawg?" Konekomaru sat up quickly from his hiding place on a cactus.

Yukio didn't recognize the familiar stranger, instead was confused by his complete and unshakable attraction to this faceless fellow in a tuxedo.

"Take me, woman." He knelt, pantsless, before the godly countenance.

"SLENDERMAN!" Rin screamed, finally catching up to his brother, his diaper heavy with Mephisto's newly bred turtles. "IT TOOK FOREVER, BUT I'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU AGAIN! DID YOU MISS ME!?"

Slenderman blushed and looked away, "N-no, baka… I was just busy polishing my frogs."

Rin gasped. "You would rather be consumed by the perverted tongue of those frogs than mine?"

"Rin, I think you have something to say to Slenderman." Shiemi's voice was muffled for predictable reasons.

"Yes, I do. But one moment."

Rin prepared himself by twerking wildly while everyone else watched in horror.

"Slendy," he started from a strippers' pole, "My back bologna is pregnant with **massive bozanga****s.**"

Slenderman looked on in shock and silence. "We've never traded Pokemon cards. How could this happen?"

Rin's mind flashed back to Mephisto's pudding. "No…"

"Ohmmmm _yes_," Yukio said in relief. He still had a chance with this faceless fellow. But did Mephisto really impregnate Rin's back bologna of the throat with **massive**** bozangas**?

He would have to ask Mephisto himself, he decided. Unfortunately, Mephisto was now the Pope. And, he had excommunicated Yukio, so he had no way to contact him.

Ha, _sex_communicated was much more like it.

Just then Mephisto fell from the towering cactus that none of them had noticed appear.

Secretly, Mephisto had been watching them from the start. He landed gracefully on his face beside Rin.

"He's my waifu now," he whispered in Slenderman's ear.

Rin stepped back in horror, right onto a lizard wearing a red shirt. Yukio dove for Rin's foot, staring at the bloody mess.

"Rango?" He collapsed into frantic sit ups. "Nooo, not Rango!"

Yukio was in engagement with the many lizards of his childhood. Unlike Rin, he didn't have a fetish for amphibians.

Mephisto laughed at the display. Slenderman was in tears. Maybe it was the tight woman panties, or the fact that Mephisto was keeping a secret, but he showed nothing other than pure amusement.

"I want an abbreviation," Rin declared.

"Abbreviations are now illegal in Syria," Mephisto declared as the newly-appointed pope.

"Nerd," Yukio coughed. He was promptly kicked in the boingloings

"Bing bong long schlong," Amaimon sang quietly, still angry about the nipple lollipop.

"SANGUINE SACRAMENTUM!" Everyone was frightened when a harem of Roman Catholics turned to Greek Satanists.

Mephisto, as the new pope, approved.

"After all, I'm a demon~" He winked at the reader.

"What is going on here!" Boob Lady shouted.

"By god, what has become of Assiah?" Arthur Auguste Angel appeared out of Slenderman's pubic gremlins.

Mephisto teleported into Victoria's Secret with him. "Will you have this dance with me?" he asked as Gangnam Style played.

"I am sorry, sir, but I don't dance with men with magnum dongs."

Arthur was vaporized, and Mephisto instead danced with a purple mannequinne of a turtle boob with the scent of ash and rectum powder.

"I won't let anyone say I have a magnum dong," he muttered. "I am the Pope, after all~ A little murder doesn't hurt anyone but me."

Suddenly Yukio woke up screaming, his bed drenched in sweat.

"Oh thank god I dreamt it," he said just as he realised his bed was in the Syrian Desert and Koneko was performing an abbreviation of Rin's back bologna of the throat.

Yukio cried and rolled in his bed feverishly. Until suddenly, Mephisto was lying next to him.

"Rin's not pregnant," he whispered dramatically, stroking his thigh with his hair curl.

"What do you mean?" Yukio thrust his ass off the bed in a horizontal squat.

Suddenly Slenderman exploded into squirming green amphibians all craving to consume the contents of diapers. They somersaulted towards Rin, who cried in ecstasy showing his fetish proudly for all around.

"You all were under hypnosis." Mephisto floated over the groins of everyone there. "Slenderman was a failed creation of mine made from those turtles infected by Rin's diaper diet."

* * *

"So yukio has been excommunicated for kidnapping the babylonian pope, so he's driving away from where he's gotten his exorcist licence stripped (in all senses of the word), and he sees as car crash with a naked canoodling camel and a severed hairy leg. The rest goes from there but eventually he gets lost in the forest and slendy turns into turtles"


	4. Italy, the atheist capital of S America

"God, I am so fucking pregnant right now," Yukio muttered, his pudding burning his hands with its sheer chocolaty goodness. His entire naked body was covered with it. The Great Bean Blast had, unfortunately, destroyed his clothes along with his dignity.

He craved nothing more than the feeling of butter between his toes. He had finally escaped the Syrian Desert just with the power of his magic butt cheeks. Though sadly, he was beginning to run out of bean power. He suspected that Mephisto must have noticed by now that he had stolen all of the Vatican's Holy Bean Water, so he had run to the one place it would never check: Italy. Everyone knows that Italy is the least religious place in the world.

Looking around, Yukio was highly confused by the surplus of dense trees that surrounded him. And the abundance of panthers attempting to impregnate him. Not to mention the squatting nutter butters.

"DON'T NUT MY BUTTER!" Yukio screeched, and fell backwards into a pile of writhing clock gears.

"Bean juice comes from the most sacred place on the earth: Brazil." Mephisto suddenly was very sudden. Yukio didn't know what to do. Brazil was so far away and he needed his bean juice, now. He tried scrambling to his face, but quite frankly even Yukio, the youngest exorcist from True Cross, wouldn't be able to pull that one off.

Mephisto promptly began to recite a speech that was often spoken. "My name is Mephisto- Mephisto Pheles (except it actually isn't) -and i have a very specific set of skills, developed from my days as a stick yeeting young chap that make me no one's bitch-socks."

Yukio gasped. "You were the one that trained the stick yeeter?"

"Yes," Mephisto said. "I trained him from a child to the professional stick yeeter you saw on that fateful day."

Remembering what the stick yeeter had said about stick eating, Yukio gasped even more dramatically. "You are a pedophile?"

"I prefer the term cougar."

Speaking of cougars, one suddenly came from underneath a coconut.

Yukio screamed. "I didn't know that lions were atheists!"

"Ah, cats are demons in furry clothes," Mephisto mused, stroking his beard with his foot. Yukio hid behind him.

"Yukio, if you wanted me to caress your naked body, you could have just said so." Looking down at himself, Yukio realised that his body did indeed look sexy with pudding smeared all over it.

"I could never cheat on my dearest love." Yukio jumped back, directly into a shady sudan full of baked syrup with bacon bits.

"Now you are a pancake!" Mephisto jumped with glee and was promptly attacked by many cougars. "No, not my supple thighs!"

Yukio was very concerned over the fact that he was a pancake. He preferred waffles and COCK. Yes, chickens were particularly good in Italian dishes such as COCK. With a side of donkey. *Mephisto wink at the readers*

The sudan was revealed to be driven by the floating prosthetic dong of prophecy. Yukio was instantly impregnated by its sexiness. Although, it did not have the supple thighs that Mephisto possessed. It did not have any thighs. Just an oversized floppy disk, completely full of lewd magazines.

"It is as Mantaro predicted," Yukio moaned. "Only the great hero of Macedonia can save me now."

"RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The sudan shuddered from the screech of a lunging tyrannosaurus, the only dinosaur believed to be extinct.

Yukio was saved. He escaped the kinky prison of syrup and backrolled to the foot of the tyrannosaurus. The dinosaur was horrified by the nude, pudding-coated man. See, this tyrannosaurus only liked her nude men covered in yogurt, or perhaps key lime pie. She voiced this in a calm and sympathetic manner to the taken Yukio.

"RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Yukio broke down crying. No woman would ever love him, not after his experience with Mephisto's boobs, a particular _**Bulge **_that we no longer speak of, and a faceless character whose name rhymed with Tender Man that he was surprised to find living in the heart of the Syrian desert rather than the forests of Nevada.

Two of Yukio's three romantic interests had conveniently turned into turtles. Shiemi did not count because he had decided that he didn't want her up his ass his whole life.

Suddenly, Shiemi burst out of Yukio's rectum. Yukio was appalled to see her eating something. A potato was clutched in her hands, covered in corn starch like some sick naked pedo.

"Thank you for the pancake." She bowed and Naurto ran away, skirt flapping against jello.

Yukio simply screamed. He was beyond frustrated with these screwed up people from True Cross.

"_**PROTEIN!" **_He was horrified to look up to see a harem of football players screaming and squatting with the force of a thousand pickles.

Pickles were something that Yukio did not like to think about. Ever since that time Rin had danced the harlem shake, Yukio had been scarred for life. Pickles didn't actually have anything to do with it, but looking at Rin's nethers, he couldn't help but be reminded of one.

"GOOD MORNING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" The very roots of the forest shook from awesome as the greatest Blue Exorcist character of all time approached.

The homosexual to end all homosexuals, he was the ultimate king of pickles.

"Did I hear somebody say…" He held Yukio down by the throat. "_**PICKLES**_?!" Suddenly several pickles began to spew from Yukio's mouth.

"I have saved these for the day you appeared before me," he confessed.

"That was only moments ago" Lightning's many awesome was pleased.

Mothman died.

A workout instructor burst from Lightning's right nipple. He was naked and in all of his glory began to teabag aggressively, producing thunder from his rectum.

Lightning shrieked. He was very hot. "Who are you?"

The squatting man stabbed an approaching avocado. "I AM THUNDER RECTUM, AND I HAVE SAVED YOU FROM JAILBAIT."

Lightning fell to his knees. "You are the greatest, most epic homosexual i've ever known." He began to kiss his feet, feet that happened to be made of brick nipples.

"YOUR WORDS ARE KIND, BUT I'M AFRAID I MUST LEAVE BEFORE MY ASSISTANT, HUGH JANUS, AND I CAN CONCEIVE WITH YOU."

Lightning, weakened without his magical right nipple, summoned a chicken strip demon from his left toenail fungus.

"No way!.?" Hugh Janus exclaimed. "My enchanted _**PROSTHETIC DONG **_has been here!"

"My tatas are tingling," said Lightning's chicken strip familiar.

"There's only one reason that that would happen." Lightning looked to the sky. "It's the blackmail of the troops on terms of lecturing about rat feet being too hairy."

Suddenly, a chariot of burning toast burst from the moon. Suguro's femurs were shattered. His throat began to taste of bad toast. He was quite disappointed by it because he only accepts toasted perfection. A cavemen drove in screaming for bacon and eggs.

Lightning shrieked. "I do not like eggs!"

Suddenly, Rin thrust an egg into his face, using all senses of the word _thrust_. "If you don't eat your meat, you don't get any pudding." Blue fire lunged like a pack of leaping lizards from Rin's anus. The turtle in there was also toasted.

He was now a ratto. Rotten flesh rained from the sky.

"I didn't know it rained in Italy." Yukio was hit in the face.

It tasted like red hair. Mephisto, for one, knew exactly what putting your laser guns up in Kentucky consisted of. He did not enjoy that.

Rough sex was Konkekomaru's specialty.

"I like P.O.P!" Shima cried. He liked rough sex, but not with Koneko. "Izumo, remember me always!" He dove into the hellish pits of Rin's anus. Biting into the flesh, he saved all the turtles.

Rin, unconscious, did not know that Shima was in his anus!

"Fuzzy jackets are only fun in Italy," Yukio claimed, ripping the skin off of a bean.

Amaimon screamed and died.

"Shut up." Kirigakure's extremely tight shorts were displeased.

"Does he like to choke?" Lightning wondered.

Thunder Rectum suddenly woke from his death sleep. He had been under a spell from the chicken strip's tatas, but was revived by an assembly of dying turkeys. Hugh Janus also woke. He had not been under a spell, he just enjoyed being underneath Thunder Rectum.

"I DO NOT LIKE TO CHOKE, BUT I DO LIKE TO POKE!" Thunder Rectum said as he poked his joke.

Hugh Janus collapsed onto him. "Will you sit on my joke too?"

"FIRST, WE WILL REQUIRE SOME LUBE," agreed Thunder Rectum.

Thus began the epic quest for peppermint lube. It had to be minty fresh!

Secretly, Lightning had lots of lube. Unfortunately, since Thunder Rectum had rejected him, he didn't want to share it. See, only exceptional plebs deserved the lube.

"I wonder what geese taste like." Lucifer was meditating. Everyone shot him dirty looks, emphasis on the dirty. Lucifer was quite attractive. Lightning would have liked to headstand on his face many times.

Yukio was taken aback by the appearance of Lucifer as he sat on the face of a LARPer. A LARPer who promptly pulled out a bong shaped like a dong.

"Ayy, it's just the way the world be, dawg." He was unfortunately a hippie. Yukio leaped away from him, leaving his pudding socks behind.

Yukio liked to think of himself as a very successfully closeted homosexual. He was secretly a secretive man whore.

"MEPHISTO PLEASE FUCK ME!" he screamed.

Mephisto promptly faked his own death.

A messenger clothed in only an oversized brassiere made of chicken nuggets rose dramatically from the earth.

"I AM THE GOD OF THE CHICKEN NUGGIES!"

Mephisto, who was currently playing possum in a hole full of protein powder and bongs, was offended by someone trying to steal his title. He was indeed the true king of the chicken nuggie kink.

He rose from the ground even more dramatically, upstanding giraffes singing an aria.

"Not only am I the Pope, but now I'm motherfukin Jesus."

"Did you just moan at me?" Angel looked accusingly at Lightning.

"No, that was Taylor Lautner!" Secretly, it had been Lightning, but it was much funnier to watch Taylor Launter be guillotined.

Suddenly, a noise came from the woods. It caught Mephisto, Angel, Lightning, Thunder Rectum, and the so-called nuggie king off-guard. It sounded like the Mission Impossible song, only performed by racist Southern Americans.

"YEEHAW!" yelled a flying cowboy hat. It landed on Yukio's head. "You have been chosen to be enlightened!"

Suddenly, many shotguns appeared from the cowboy hat. They spat bat guano at everything that had a pulse, including chicken nuggets. Luckily, Pope Pheles had no heart to be sensed.

Yukio closed his eyes in bliss. Finally, he would be freed from this life.

The shotguns were vaporized. A floating disco ball fell and trapped Lucifer. He did not notice.

"What is your name?" the disco ball asked the Nugget man.

"Macedonia Dix," he replied. "How do you do?" He shook the disco ball's balls, and it promptly ate his arm.

"NOO!" Yukio leaped forward. "HE IS MY MACEDONIAN PRINCE!"

"MACEDONIA DIX!"

"Dick?" Angel screamed! "I AM NOT GAY."

Lightning was too busy shagging him to hear.

"Hmm…" Mephisto was very complative, complatively stroking Yukio's beard. "This must be the work of my old enemy, Friggin Limms."

"**_PROTEIN_!" **A very muscular man dove from a tree.

A goose skittered across the ball and disappeared behind Limms. It then reappeared with ten pounds of skittles showering from its feathers. It had decided to kill him with diabetes.

"NOooooooO!" Friggin Limms was devastated as he slowly withered away to carbs.

The disco ball suddenly exploded. In its place was a very strange sight. The Nugget man passed out. Yukio whinnied with arousal.

"Oh no." Mephisto hid under a chunk of rotten meat.

"Oh god yes." Yukio slowly army crawled on his back towards it. This beautiful creature would be his new religion. And he would fuck it. And Rin would not beat him to waifu claiming this fine piece of assmeat.

"Lucifer has awoken the great Obama Prism," Lightning's chicken familiar yodelled. Lightning's sexuality did not include Obama prisms, so he was not impressed.

And well, Mephisto did not dare lay his eyes upon this manly piece of ass. He was far too concerned with his knowledge on this mythical rare beast. And the fact that this prism was indeed a heterosexual. Mephisto was not a heterosexual. Mephisto's panties, however, screamed in ecstasy.

Yukio was writhing in arousal at the sight. He was completely brought to his knees by the euphoria this sight brought on him and the sexual frustration that had begun to build with the green body wash he had stolen from Mephisto just days ago.

He ripped off his pudding shirt, completely prepared to be dehymenated right there and then. And he would not get an abbreviation if it came to that. He would raise those bozangas like Rin his anus turtles.

Obama Prism teleported everyone to space.

"Ah!" Yukio flailed violently. "There's too much gravity here. I can't breathe!"

Rainbows came from Shiemi's mouth and streamed out of Rin's butt.

"Whooo!" He zoomed straight through the Obama Prism and kissed Lucifer's armpit hair. "I am nyan turtle!"

Lucifer was a nihilist, so his jaw was vaporized by acid reflux.

Suddenly Yukio began to stroke the Bama Prism with a potato. The prism began to pur with contempt.

"Your potato pleases me, mortal," Obama Prism declared. "You shall have a spot beside my Throne of Meatball Magic."

Suddenly, luscious flowing hair sprouted from Yukio's lungs, allowing him to believe in the healthy diet of space bacteria. He promptly became a gang member. Dead bacon bowls began to rain from the sky with measuring shovels dressed in ugly yellow polo shirts defying the laws of gravity in deep space by suffocating.

Lightning invented Sauna Pants and wore them. He enjoyed the vibrations immensely.

"Can I wear your sauna pants?" Angel shoved his face in Lightning's boobs.

"Only if you wear them with me."

Angel did not want Lightning's magnum dong.

Homosexuals breathe well in space, so Angel suddenly suffocated for being closeted. Yukio was beginning to faint from the sheer eye melting perfect before him.

"TAKE ME, WOMAN!" Yukio screamed, twerking wildly with potatoes launching from his pudding butt. They hit Obama Prism and moaned. Obama Prism was impressed but did not want to eat moaning potatoes.

The tyrannosaurus slowly floated by as everyone watched Yukio in horror.

"This is total poppycock!" Shima was devastated and no one knew why.

"Why are you devastated, Shima?" Koneko asked.

Shima imploded. No one ever knew why he was devastated.

Rin watched in the distance, thinking about how much he enjoyed makeup tutorials. He needed to keep his rectum attractive for turtles.

Suddenly, Bob appeared dressed in a bubble. "What's cookin good lookin? Hubba hubba."

"Microcosm is my favorite english term," Izumo informed helpfully.

"What does it mean?"

"It means TINY DICK."

Secretly, Lightning had a microcosm.

"I LIKE THE TASTE OF PENNIES." Thunder Rectum ate the pennies pouring out of Hugh Janus' small anus. They were not actually pennies.

"I like the taste of penises." Lightning began to dance suggestively over to Mephisto.

Mephisto faked his death again. Lightning began to dance suggestively over to Rin and then immediately changed his mind.

"This turtle has huge pinky toes," Rin observed. Shiemi took it from him and then disappeared.

Then, he saw a sight of perfect perfection as he looked over at Bob.

"GRAR." Bob was eaten by the tyrannosaurus. Rin collapsed onto gravity.

"BY MY RAZORS!" the obama prism screeched like a horny male nun with a moustache.

"What troubles you, O Great Jailbait?" Yukio sat on the potato and was very pleasured.

"I slew that point with my quads alone," Mephisto bragged. He then remembered that he was dead.

Interlaid in Mephisto's grand plan were many small plans. Mostly, these plans included ways of seeing Yukio dressed in pudding clothes. He liked pudding.

"GARDYLOO!" Light ejaculated.

"I'm bumfuzzled at your malarkious cattywampus!" Suddenly, Suguro. He was flicked out of existence by the all-powerful Obama Prism.

Todo suddenly chickened and appeared.

Mephisto gasped. "Your magic seals were the reason the Obama Prism appeared?"

The army of seals behind Light woofed. "Yes." He had a snickersnee. "And now I am going to defeat Yukio with my favorite of all fighting techniques: the thrust." His whole body convulsed in frantic thrusts.

Yukio fell in love instantly."I'm sorry, but I have already pledged my massive bazongas to Obama Prism."

"Yukio, it is alright." The Obama Prism said softly, his voice drowned out by crashing airplanes also a cockatiel. "I release you."

Yukio cried the Tears of Potato Sorrow. Lightning shoved many vials under his eyes and fingernails to collect the rare bombs. Because they were in space, the bombs instead floated into the moon.

"Thank you." Yukio went in for a last kiss, but the Obama Prism suddenly exploded into dead turtles.

Yukio was silent, and then he collapsed and spoke in graceful prose of his tragedy.

_"**GOD FFUCK WHY HOLY FUCKING SHIT NOOOO WHY ME ALWAYSS JUST TAKE ME ALREADY GOD FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK"**_

Mephisto prepared his line, stroking his beard with a nun.

Yukio threw a potato at him, but reverse gravity made it come back and hit him in the face. "FUUUCK I KNOW I WAS UNDER HYPNOSIS YOU FUCKING SICK PERSON."

Mephisto cleared his throat and straightened his pantyhose. "Yes, you were again under hypnosis." He took one of the turtles from where Rin was braiding his hair with them. "Obama Prism was another failed experiment of mine. I'm afraid the turtles didn't quite make it this time."

Mephisto began to play the didgeridoo with their ear holes before teleporting them all back to his sexdoll harem show room. Yukio simply curled up into a ball, beans and potatoes pouring from his orifices. Not only had he been brought back to this hell that was True Cross, even after being excommunicated, but once more he had lost his true love to Mephisto and his sadistic turtle experiments.

* * *

i'd put the original plotline for this one like usual, but there was a lot that we didnt use in it that i think we will in the future XD


	5. lebron james is a religion

**Along with me and Zel, our friend Memestry helped us with the ending of this chapter!**

* * *

Chapter 5:: Fuck Peanut Butter

A massive leftist beanstalk fell onto a bowl of tender nuggets with shotgun shells.

"Classism is a moral axe!" Mephisto stated. He was also a leftist. But what was leftism when there were so many vultures in Rin's new uniform?

Rin licked his lips because Amaimon started to make lovely soup. Little did poor Amaimon know, the carrots were already dead.

Mephisto ripped off another pair of Christmas-flavoured inedible underpants.

"This isn't Florida." He fell to the ceiling with a thud in exasperation.

"Would you like to buy some nut?" Suguro, disguised in a Russian bald cap, began to flounder as nut flew from his fingernails and nostrils.

"Yes, thank you very much." He bowed and drank from the Great Fountain of Nut.

"Where is Yukio?" The shotgun shells were very anxious for the arrival of their grandmaster's nut.

"I do not like nut." Amaimon did not like nut. Mephisto, on the other hand, loved to fondle spicily nutted pork chops.

"Look at the news!" Sheimi yelled from beneath Rin's thickness.

"But I'm watching Ultimate Ninja Mountain Dew II: Electric Boogaloo!" the beanstalk whined. Mephisto sat on its tip suggestively.

"As Chicken Nuggie Jesus I order you to change the channel!" Mephisto threateningly lowered his pudding onto the beanstalk's right kitchen. The beanstalk had many incorrect kitchens, but this one was full of the one thing Yukio craved most: a universe without turtles.

Reluctantly, the beanstalk changed to the news to see Yukio was being arrested! The shotgun shells wailed in despair. A red banner streamed across the screen but the language was Cambodian. A picture of Yukio's supple cheeks was very appealing to Mephisto and no one else.

"Holy lord of the nut!" the beanstalk cried. "Why is this society not guillotining the rich?!"

Everyone agreed, except for Mephisto because he was secretly Louis XIV.

Suddenly the telephone rang in a melody suspiciously similar to Rick Astley's famous song, _ur mom XD got em_. "Hello?" Rin answered the phone with his peanut butter covered toes.

"Uh, hello? Hello hello!" Phone Guy screeched.

"Yo!" Shima screamed in the background. "Give me some **saauuuuuce**." He was having PTSD from imploding.

Suddenly Yukio dashed through the door, wearing nothing but a skin of pudding, as always.

"Quick, there's no time!" he screamed, stuffing his shotgun shells into his pudding pants. They started spontaneously combusting "aaa."

"Time for what?" Amaimon was testing how many nut he could catch in his mouth if he threw Suguro into the air.

"They're coming!" Yukio pounded his chest and yodeled as he swung from the curtains.

"Who's coming?" The nut chimed from Amaimon's mouth.

The doorbell chimed in a melody suspiciously similar to maya hee maya hoo.

"TELL MY CHINESE-FIGHTING POTATO FISH THAT I LOVE THEM!" Yukio cannonballed into a pool of Mephisto's oatmeal back bologna.

Just then a sexy male nun burst through the door. Mephisto fell onto his knees and so did Lightning.

"Notice me Senpai!" they pleaded in unison.

"What does the fox say?" asked the Nunstache, stroking his luscious facial hair.

Mephisto immediately grew a fox tail and Lightning summoned fox ears.

"KAKIKAKAKAKIKAKAKKOOQW"

"HAMINInINInINININI ABING!"

"Furries! RUNNNNNNN!" Rin hid under his father's imagined nose hair sofa. It was, unfortunately, invisible.

Kirigakure, coincidentally, thought furries were quite adorable. Her boobs flew towards them. Meanwhile Nunstache was quite displeased. He was only able to speak in bad early 2000s pop songs.

"DO you feel like a man when you push her around?!" he yelled at Mephisto for not twerking for Kirigakure's **massive bazongas**.

"I just don't understand why we can't distribute housing to the homeless," mused the beanstalk.

"Furries are not real….furries are not real." Rin rocked back and forth, stroking Bob with his nose. He may have had a reptile fetish, but that was completely different. Even Sheimi was frightened, and she had a fetish for tight, warm places.

Mephisto and Lighting started a rap battle to decide who could fuck the Nunstache. Unfortunately, Nunstace disliked rap. It offended his gentle sensibilities of religion. The beanstalk presented a ukulele to Lightning, and Lightning promptly invented folk punk.

This made Mephisto elated; he loved folk punk and had been waiting for its invention for millennia. He promptly began to do the gangnam style because nothing represents folk punk better than Korean people.

Oddly enough, Nunstache's moustache suddenly got very stiff. It, too, enjoyed Korean people. Seeing this, Mephisto began to roll feverishly on the ground until he became a pancake.

"Be the syrup on this pancake, Senpai!" Mephisto moaned.

Lightning suddenly had a thought that involved the word _bukkake_.

Yukio slowly peaked his nudeness into the window. The Nunstache's erect stache began to quiver.

"Have you ever heard of closing the goddamn door?!" Nunstache screamed at Yukio and he fell back into the oatmeal that now had burned his steamy leg hairs.

Mephisto now had two tails and he was in a bit of a conundrum.

Yukio was suddenly very aroused by Nunstache's thicccc stache, as well as Mephisto's tails. Yukio was secretly a very secretive furry. _**Dun…. dun…... dun. **_

"Lard grows on goats!" Amaimon hiccuped from his armpit before running out the window and landing on Yukio's **massive bazongas. **He was also transgender.

"WAKE ME UP INSIDE!" Nunstache's mustache threw itself onto Lightning's sexy ukulele.

"I just met you and this is crazy, and here's my number so call me maybe!" the ukulele sung.

"Can't read my, Can't read my, no you can't read my poker face!" Nunstache called his mating call.

"Raa raa ra a a a!" the ukulele sang and mated with NuNstache's moustache.

"LEATHER PANTS!" Bakura was suddenly hanging from the ceiling. Mephisto suddenly got very excited. Bakura was his favorite pokemon!

"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!" the beanstalk screamed. "If only our healthcare system gave us the means for pregnancy checkups."

"Is mayonnaise an instrument?" the shotgun shells mused.

"No, it's a continent!" Yami popped his head through the floor. "Come along Bakura we have to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-**duel**!"

"Yami? What are you doing here?" Mokuba rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he walked out of the kitchen. "Where's nii-sama?"

"Screw the rules! I summon BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!" The door burst open and Seto sprinted through, inviting everyone to a game of russian roulette.

"Nii-sama? Why are you wearing seven fedoras?" Mokaba asked. He was ignored as Seto sprinted through the wall and fell into an unending pool of jorts.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS UNAUTHORIZED CROSS OVER!" Mephisto's turtle rectum boobs screamed, scurrying from the oatmeal pile.

Angel deadlifted 6 pounds with his eyelashes. Kirigakure clapped and then deadlifted 600. Angel began to viciously headbang to the sounds of the ukulele and Nunstache's mating calls, which were just a lot of Katy Perry and Bruno Mars. Lightning cried because his chicken tender was getting cold. Mephisto turned into a radish because he was scared of cold tendies.

"Oh, a tasty radish." The shotgun shells rammed into Mephisto and he ate them all. Mephisto was no stranger to questionable items in his holes.

"What is this?" Lightning placed the radish in his mouth. Mephisto was also no stranger to being in other people's holes.

"Where are your panties?" Yukio wanted to get dressed.

Nunstache looked up, his stache returning to his face dripping with sweat. "They say that true love hurts well this could almost kill me."

"Okay but do you have any panties?"

"Last Friday night."

"Damn." Yukio was over this search for panties. Maybe Mephisto had some. "Mephisto, do you have any panties?"

Mephisto exited Lightning's mouth and morphed into panties, floating to Yukio's buttsocks.

"Thank you, Mephisto."

Mephisto was very tight around Yukio's buttsocks. His shotgun shells fell out of his pudding pants, screaming. Out of nowhere the Nunstache began to flail and do smoke signals. Fortunately, Lightning could speak in smoke signals.

"You walk a lonely road."

"I WALK A LONELY ROAD!" screamed Nunstache in despair.

"What did you say?" Mephisto asked, his voice muffled by Yukio's cheeks.

"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" Nunstache flailed and shouted in impressionist dancing.

The room they were in suddenly turned to the 1970s and a disco ball fell from the ceiling and landed on Lucifer again. Lucifer was a very zen nihilist and he didn't mind.

"The best things in life should be freeeee." The beanstalk was not a fan of the 1980s and would rather listen to Ghost Mice.

"Sex cults!" Angel shrieked and hid behind Lightning.

"It's okay, I'm an expert on sex cults!" Lightning stated proudly.

"Sex?" Mephisto was too busy dancing to have sex. He started to panic.

"THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!" Nunstache shouted, twerking violently.

"Your tomato sauce is going to expire?!" Rin gasped. "Nooo! We have to save the tomato sauce!"

Everyone decided to join Rin's crusade against sex cults and expired tomato sauce.

Out of nowhere the floor began to shake. Rin gave everyone a toilet bowl to wear as a helmet. Lightning promptly decorated his with abstract impressionist art of Thunder Rectum.

"Tonight we will join the great fish stick in the sky in the name of Thunder Rectum!" he declared.

"We will take back the holy land!" Mephisto raised his stick to the sun. He had teleported everyone to the European countryside.

"You can take my holy land." Lightning danced suggestively to Mephisto. Mephisto converted to heterosexuality.

No one noticed that Mephisto was still a floating pair of panties. Thankfully, Yukio had a toilet to cover his sensitive buttocks.

The sex cultists appeared slathered in expired tomatao sauce. It added the poison attribute to their weapons, also hair.

"WE WILL NOT BOWL IN YOUR BOWLING ALLEY!" they shouted.

Mephisto gasped. His bowling alley was the grooviest!

"What did you just say to me, you little shit?! I'll have you know that I graduated at the top of my class in the Navy Seals-"

Indeed, Mephisto was the first pair of panties to ever be recruited into the Navy.

"We wouldn't _need_ a Navy if people would just stop fighting!" The beanstalk lifted his many kitchens in preparation for The Strike.

"Are your rectum turtles ready?" Rin was engulfed in the blue flames of the TUrtle GOd.

"YES!" His band of crusaders cheered behind him.

"Mephisto, are your Jesus Nuggets ready?"

"Rin! You can't say that in the Holy Land!" Yukio shouted.

"I can do whatever I want with the TUrtle GOd on my side!"

"No you can't! The BEan GOd forbids it!" Yukio slapped his brother with the toilet around his waist.

Suddenly Rin turned into turtles.

"What the fuck?" The sex cultists were rather confused and hula hooped.

Mephisto appeared behind Yukio, stroking his thigh hair with his unibrow.

"Oh! Sorry. That's not the real Rin." Mephisto sighed. "You've been under hypnosis. The truth is, Rin was turned long ago."

"Then where is my fucking brother!" Yukio cried in pain. He hated turtles. But then he remembered Rin's grotesque turtle diaper and decided he understood Mephisto's reasons.

Lightning suddenly screamed and hid behind his true love, Mephisto. "I was your secret santa all along," he whispered.

"I AM NOT GAY FOR YOU!...just….every other mailman."

Lightning handcuffed his thighs. "Now you can't lick my fish."

Mephisto was torn. He loved licking Lightning's fish, but Lightning was not as attractive as his sex doll harem or that handsome Nunstache. Hell even Seto's suggestive dueling was hotter than Lightning's suggestive dancing.

Yukio planted a bush in frustration because Mephisto and Lightning were flirting and he loved Mephisto. He needed Mephisto's tight watermelon.

The fish slapped Lucifer, who was disguised as a Russian diplomat.

"Capitalists are secretly fish!" A European Man shouted. He had a plastic bag over his head. The beanstalk stabbed him for endorsing plastic waste.

"Feet are fake! Those with the foot fetish are fake too!" One of the sex cultists jumped off a bridge.

Lightning, who had a foot fetish, was in despair. No more feet?! Maybe Rin would share a turtle. Wait, Rin _was_ turtles.

At least his glory hole fetish wasn't fake. Or was it? He had an existential crisis and went to meditate with Lucifer, the Nihilist.

"Do you have another disco ball?" he asked very seriously.

"I have many disco balls." Lucifer was very zen. The disco balls were drawn out of the wilderness by his ultimate hippieness.

"Balls?" Mephisto perked up and crawled to Lucifer with Yukio on his elbow. "Can I have one? I want to do the harlem shake with your tennis balls."

"Tennis balls are unfortunately _not_ zen."

"You can use my testi-" Mephisto was smothered by Yukio.

"Umm-guys what about the sex cultists? They're still here." Kirigakure's fetishy snakes were the only thing keeping them from being attacked.

A spaceship came out of space and did sexy space things. It landed on top of the sex cultists and extinguished their expired tomato sauce fire. Angel was very happy to be saved- but then he heard it.

"Alo? Salut. Sunt eu, un haiduc."

His **massive sword** screamed suggestively and lasered Yukio's eyes.

"What is that beautiful noise?" Yukio asked, twerking viciously.

"It is the grandest of all beings." Mephisto bounced happily. "The middle-aged man in the Monokuma onesie!"

The many doors of the spaceship opened and suddenly the music was at full blast.

"**VREI SA PLECI DAR NU MA NU MA IEI NU MA NU MA IEI NU MA NU MA NU MA IEI!"**

Thousands of aliens started dancing the numa numa.

"Yukio." Monokuma's voice boomed over the song. "Your supple buttcheeks have broken rule 34."

"What is rule 34?"

"Shhhh, innocent Yukio. You are too innocent to behold such things." Mephisto began to stroke his toes with Yukio's pudding panties.

A large child dipped Yukio's fudge-coated panties into a confounded puddle of confoundedness. Biblical bibles bounced happily across Kirigakure's **massive bazongas**. Yukio shaved the child's eyeballs because they were a liability.

Engorged with lust, Monokuma lasered his buttcheeks. Kaiba on the other hand was lustful for Yami's buttcheeks. Underaged ships are sexy!

"You have to stick pocky sticks within the folds of your suction cups." Monokuma licked the rim of Yukio's elbow. (now that's hot)

**Yukio craved the pocky stick.** Soon, the erotic touch of the numa numa would set him free of his mortal micropenis.

"Yes daddy," he muttered to his spider.

Rather frustrated, Mephisto found his own reason to fill the mighty void of the Numa Numa stonks.

Licking his lips, Lightning became very interested in Mephisto's _tight_ _kneecaps_. And in the shadows lurked a man of intelligence. He was too intelligent to show himself so he promptly left.

Yukio recanted his beanly sins. "Don't eat my papers!"

Mephisto smiled at Yukio. "You can't stop the Numa Numa Gods' will!" The aliens were revealed to be gods so they cast manly spells on Yukio's facial hair. His beard grew to his bozangas.

One of the aliens came down. It appeared to be Dr. Doofensmirtz, if dr doofensmirtz had forgotten his underwear in a cantaloupe. The alien's underwear was a cantaloupe.

Suddenly Shia Labeouf burst through the clearing, riding on the backs of Hugh Janus and Thunder Rectum.

"It's Shia LaBeouf!" Mephisto screamed in terror. Lightning was quite aroused. Again, he had a thought that involved the word _bukkake_. Dr. doffensmirtz went to unveil his latest invention. Prery the Ptalypis came down on his jeetpek.

"Tdtdtdttdtdtdtdtd," he accused.

"AHHHHHHH PRERY THE PTALYPIS, I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU!" Shia Leboeuf lunged from the tower of mens' panties.

Angel, being a closeted gay, nearly fainted from all of this testostrone. Dr doffunsmirtz unveiled his new invention the Bukkake-inator

"Ahahahahha, Prery the Ptalypis, you're too late to stop my Bazong-inator 47800!"

"Tdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd!" cried prery in despair, caught between arousal and duty.

"Fuck capitalists!" screamed the beanstalk everyone has forgotten about. Everyone continued to forget about it.

Deefensmritze pointed the Boazang-intor 464758 at Lightning. "Now you are a piece of toast with **massive tarts!"** He switched the inator to 23% efficiency.

**Lightning Was Appalled.** He wanted much bigger tarts than 23%.

"I'm okay with my figure," 23% said seductively.

Mephisto was hiding behind Yukio, he was in a committed relationship with his turtle rectum boobs. He did not want **toasty tarts**.

Deoofinsnirtz shot the inator at Lighting.

"aTdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd!" Prery jumped in front of the beam. He now had **toasty tarts **the size of a sexy hammock.

Yukio's back bologna of the tart began to loudly and excessively quote lebron james.

"AKRON, OHIO, IS MY HOME. IT WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED. AKRON, OHIO, IS MY LIFE!"

Lucifer the Nihilist cringed- Lebron James was a religion and Lucifer hated that. He meditated with malicious intent.

Shia Lebouef called forth his testosterone with a mighty roar. Many pairs of old gym socks fell from the sky.

Duufeensnot was getting cranky, so he took his Avenged Sevenfold-designed lighter from his respectable slacks made of his old nose hair trimmings.

Lightning, for one, was deeply indebted to Doefeshrt's nose hair trimmings. But then again...there wasn't much that Lightning wouldn't fuck.

Perturbed, the Numa Numa Gods began to loudly and excessively sing dubee dubee du wah. Yukio watched on with awe. He had never been able to see his favorite band live until then.

"AGENT PEE!" he screamed.

Prery the Plitypas' owners, Finnies and Phrob invented the anti-bazonga machine and saved Prery from a crippling life of tart wearing.

"FINNUES AND PHROOOOD!" Cnadice exploded through the earth. "I hereby declare you NUSTED!"

"I don't wanna be nutted!" whimpered Angel.

"Fuck peanutbutter!" Mephisto screamed.

"Who's fucking?" Lightning was greatly intrigued.

Germie appeared out of the clouds and took Kendise to heaven. Finease and broph were nusted and so they were never seen again.

Lightning's tarts tingled. Tingly Tarts touched Angel's butt. He was not a homosexual, but those tarts were quite nice.

Mephisto was very happy that Lightning was no longer smelling like sliced deli ham. Maybe now, he could consume Lightning's salmon.

"NUMMMM!" Monokuma was enlightened by this new religion of salmon steak. He decided not to consume the earth and flew into space but he forgot his spaceship.

* * *

**"So i guess Yukio is back in Japan with everyone else and he's showing off his buttcheek bean powers and everyone is horrified except for mephisto and then hmm wait what turns into turtles"**


End file.
